This weekend I won a Mario Kart 64 tournament. It was in a public setting, on a stage, with and audience and everything. This was one of my life dreams. Mario Kart on the N64 is probably high on the list of things in my life at which I’ve excelled. I realize that this is sad, but nonetheless, I have always hoped for a chance to have this useless and ridiculous skill quantified and recognized. The victory doesn’t count for a whole lot, since it was essentially a triumph over three of my close friends, against whom I’ve played countless rounds of Mario Kart, and a roomful of random other people, many of whom had clearly never played before. Still, I won a Mario Kart tournament. My list of life goals merely insisted that I compete in such a tournament, and was not at all specific with regards to tournament size, or my relation to the other competitors.
The tournament was short. Four rounds decided the line up for the final race. When I stepped in for my qualifying match we were assigned course was Wario Stadium. I own that course wholly and without mercy, so I was pretty confident in my chances, and sure enough I got off to a large and early lead. Then the douche sitting right next to me paused the game and hit the “change course” option. He was disqualified and a new girl from the audience stepped into his seat. The girl kept loudly threatening to bite my dick off, and even went so far as to graphically pantomime this threat, bringing her head within an inch of my crotch and gnashing her teeth. Unfazed by cheap psych-out tactics I again took and early lead on Wario Stadium, only to have the girl reset the game. She was disqualified and one of the MCs of the tournament stepped in to take her place.
On our third attempt the course was reset as Toad Turnpike. I was not as certain in my abilities on this track. The Turnpike can be a real bitch, and one slip up can cost you dearly. It was a close race between my and the MC but I managed to pull it out in the end. Finally it came down to Me, Jeff, Doug, and Mike on Rainbow Road. Rainbow Road is a long track, it is very difficult to fall off, and a couple of large chain chomps make up the only obstacles. This means that everything comes down to pure racing ability, and the luck of whatever items you can pick up. Again I managed break away from the pack early and left everyone else to sling shells at each other while I pulled further and further ahead. I held it all together and managed to win with a decent lead.
My prize for this victory was a free drink, which I didn’t even really want, and then the MC disappeared so I didn’t get it anyway. I was fine with this. The real prize was getting to cross “Mario Kart Tournament” off my list of things to do before I die. I can now lay Mario Kart to rest and focus on achieving some of my other life goals, like being thanked in the liner notes of an album by a band/performer I like, or swinging across a room on a rope (or chandelier) and kicking a guy in the face.