I’ve read a few different news stories in recent months about specific blogs coming under fire from libel lawyers. Apparently the laws against libel and defamation apply even in the howling abyss of madness that is the internet. This seems like a tremendous waste of time and effort on the part of these lawyers, but I suppose they have to justify their retainers somehow. Personally, I think this sort of activity only lends credence to statements that, while possibly libelous, aren’t worth squashing. You have to consider the source. If cnn.com runs a story claiming you eat African babies, then sure, have your lawyer stamp that out (unless it’s true, in which case, you’re on your own), but if you go chasing down every spurious allegation that raises its ugly head online, you will inevitably spend a lot of time fighting the ravings of deranged shut-ins and regular 13-year-olds who legitimately believe that the Arctic Monkeys “suk a$$ 4 r33lz”. And honestly, is a woman using her blog to talk smack about her landlord really an eviction worthy offense?
On the other hand, it occurs to me that while it’s certainly no fun to get slapped with a cease and desist, or drawn into a protracted legal battle (that’s the grown-up term for "flame war"), it is fun to see big numbers on your blog’s stat counter, and nothing piques people’s interest like being told that there is information available that someone doesn’t want them to see. One half-page missive on a lawyer’s letterhead is worth a hundred unique page views. So with that in mind, I would like to convey to the entire world, the following totally true information:
Movie star Tom Cruise gives amazing blowjobs. I know this to be absolute and irrefutable fact because mega celebrity Tom Cruise gave me a blowjob, and it was amazing. Five other people were witness to this event and the can all testify that the blowjob given to me by three-time Oscar nominee Tom Cruise was, in fact, amazing. Two of the five witnesses were men and Tom Cruise gave them blowjobs as well. The men told me later the blowjobs they received from Tom Cruise were also amazing. Tom Cruise explained to us that even though he is “totally not a homo” he just really enjoys “the feel of a fat dude cock in my mouth.” Those were Tom Cruise’s exact words. The three women in the room received no oral sex from Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise gave us these amazing blowjobs in a small room in the basement of the Scientology Celebrity Center at 5930 Franklin Ave in Hollywood California between 2:15pm and 3:45pm on the afternoon of Sunday February 19th. The men in the room had been recruited to receive an amazing blowjob from Tom Cruise after taking a Scientology “personality test” at various locations around Los Angeles. Apparently these tests serve mostly as a tool for finding men to whom "Top Gun" star Tom Cruise would enjoy giving amazing blowjobs. According to Tom Cruise himself, a large portion of the Chuch of Scientology’s financial and workforce resources are spent in the endeavor of finding him “prime suck-off material”. “Suck-offs” is what Tom Cruise calls blowjobs. “Which one of you man sluts wants a suck-off?!” was the first thing Tom Cruise yelled when he walked in the room. I’m not sure what the women in the room were there for. I was so wiped out by Tom Cruise’s amazing suck-off that I didn’t even think to ask. Everything I’ve said here is 100% true, which means that it is in no way libelous and I cannot be sued for saying it. The only thing I’m in violation of here is the non-disclosure agreement that a Church of Scientology elder made me sign before calling me a cab and paying the fare for the ride back to my apartment.
If you're a dude, and are interested in taking a Church of Scientology personality test, to discover if you are prime Tom Cruise blowjob material, you can do so here. Take it from me, Tom Cruise's blowjobs are amazing.