Today I wanted to see what the deal was with this baby panda I keep hearing about. I wanted to see some pictures of the little bugger for myself.
I mean, people warned me about how cute this thing is, but I had no idea. I went to the National Zoo’s web-page. They have a live web cam feed of the panda. He was sleeping, curled up on his side, and having these dream fits where his little panda legs were kicking. It was so cute I almost crapped my pants.
Then he woke up and started walking around in this sleepy/unsteady baby kind of way. It was so cute I did crap my pants.
Now I’m sitting here at work, pants filled with my own feces, glued to this live panda feed. It’s like crack. Everything he does is the cutest thing ever. Just when you think he’s done the cutest thing you could ever see, he does something twice as cute and then you have to vomit on yourself because it is impossible for the human mind to completely comprehend how cute the panda is and no words or emotions could express the way he makes you feel.
Every few minutes someone will walk over demanding to know what that awful smell is, then they’ll see the panda, stop dead in their tracks, and then it's all over. There’s a dozen of us now, gathered around my monitor watching the baby panda’s adorable antics. Sooner or later people will come looking for us, then the panda will trap them too. Before long the whole building will be infected. The chain reaction will just keep going until we’re all under the panda’s spell. The whole world will be drowned in an unstoppable wave of black and white cuteness.
Somebody needs to take a shovel to that panda’s skull before it’s too late. Please, I'm begging you. Soon I will be too weak to type, too weak to do anything but watch the panda. Help us. The future of all humanity may very well rest in your hands.