Wednesday, March 07, 2007

It's a Gas Gas Gas

The corner of Robertson and Olympic used to be home to my favorite gas station in Los Angeles. It was a run down, off brand crap hole but the gas was always 10-12 cents cheaper than anywhere else in town, including the modern Exxon station directly across the street. Then, a year or so ago, the place was shut down. It remained abandoned until about six months ago when a giant white canvas fence went up around the entire lot.

The white canvas was ringed along the bottom with a picture of large blades of grass, about a foot high. A billboard above the station bore the words "A little better," along with the BP-British Petroleum logo, on a stark white background. As the weeks went by, the grass on the canvas increased in height until eventually it reached all the way to the top of the fence, some 20 ft. high. The clear white walls were now a giant green grass mural. On the formerly all white billboard the very tips of the blades of grass could be seen poking in along the bottom of the sign.

All of this was pretty clever. The white walls and bright green grass reminded us that BP is an Eco friendly company. Sure, they're and oil company but they, like, care and stuff. Not only do they care about the global environment they are also working to improve our local environment by fixing up an eyesore gas station and by hiding the unsightly construction site while they are doing it.

Then, a couple weeks ago, the walls came down and the new gas station was finally revealed to be this:

Unique to say the least. Some people have complained that this new gas station is, in its own way, uglier than the rundown blight that it replaced; an angular monstrosity reminiscent of a goofy Geodesic Dome house from the 1970s.

To my mind, however, there is something far more sinister at work here. Not only has my beloved relatively cheap gas been taken from me, but also I find this new gas station bears a disturbing resemblance to Proteus IV, the evil Julie Christie raping robot from the 1977 film Demon Seed. I don't have a good picture but I think you can get a sense of what I'm talking about from this YouTube trailer.

So be wary of this polygonal chrome nightmare, Angelenos. You may be drawn in by its shiny newness, but undoubtedly this is no mere gas station, but actually a murderously intelligent, sensually self-programmed non-being, just biding its time until it can strap you to the hood of your car, stick glowing needle probes up your hoo-ha, and impregnate you with its unholy man-bot baby.*

Before you dismiss this notion as absurd or paranoid, remember that the film Demon Seed was based on a novel by Dean Koontz and that dude was the Master of Horror. He knew. I mean who else had the foresight to warn us that the terror would not come from above, as previously thought, but, in fact, below? Nobody, that's who. Just dean Koontz.

So buy your gas from a futuristic rape machine if you want, I will be at the non-sentient, rape free Exxon station across the street.

*SPOILER ALERT: This is what happens at the end of Demon Seed


Jeff said...

I always thought Dean Koontz was the Master of SUSPENSE.

Also, go straight to hell for reminding me about Demon Seed. Damn you.

Lindsay said...

there was a story on this gas station on NPR this morning. Apparently it is 100% green, except for the part where they sell gas. There are solar panels and everything is recyclable (except the gas) and the attendant will give you tip cards that list ways you can help the environment. These cards are encrusted with wildflower seeds so when you are done, you can bury the cards and they will grow flowers. I am not making this up.