Thursday, July 05, 2007

Osama Bin Laden

Remember that guy? Whatever happened to him? We used to be so close. I feel like we treat Osama Bin Laden like he's a friend we used to know from summer camp. You know? For a short, magical little time we were soooo tight. Total BFFs forever. After 9/11 we were like “We will never forget you!” and he was all, “I promise I will send you angry videos EVERY day! And whenever I can...Anthrax!” And for a while he did. Two, three time a week we’d get the video tapes of him lecturing about Jihad and the great Satan, and we’d be all “Aww, this is SO Osama!” and then we’d send him some cruise missiles or something. There was communication there. But then the tapes started coming less and less frequently, but we figured “that’s okay. Osama’s busy. We know that. He’s got a lot on his plate. And it’s not like we’ve been the best BFFs either. We’re off running around with Iraq now. It’s been weeks since we’ve sent him any Delta Force commandos.” Then one day we get a package from Osama and BAM, not even a video tape, it’s an audio cassette. And it’s like “What the fuck is this? No word for months and then you send a cassette tape? It was bad enough that you were sending VHS tapes. This is the 21st century, Osama! DVDs, ever hear of 'em? We don’t even have a tape player in our car anymore! What the fuck are we supposed to do with this?” An intern from the Pentagon had to run out to Radio Shack and pick up a tape player, which I’m sure they got at a bargain price of eighteen grand. So then, we were like “Okay, it’s obvious that we’re not as close to OBL as we used to be. This is a sign that we need to step it up and work a little harder to rekindle this relationship. We’ll send him some bunker busters or something.” And we go to do that, but guess what? HE’S MOVED! What? When the fuck did that happen? We don’t know. He didn’t even tell us! We couldn’t believe it, but then we went out and drove by the rock with the machine gun laying up against it. He wasn’t there. We don’t know where he is.

You know what we need to do if we really want to find Osama. I mean, we don’t, but, you know, sake of argument. If we really want to find Osama, fuck the Army Rangers or Delta Force or whatever, those guys had their shot. Pull them out of there and send in VH1. Those guys can find ANYBODY. Just tell them that we’re doing an “I Love the 2000s, Whatever Happened to…Al-Queda?” nostalgia special and just let ‘em loose in Tora Bora. Two weeks, TOPS, they will find that guy. If they can find the fucking Moog player from A Flock of Seagulls then they can goddamn well find Osama Bin Laden. They found Lover Boy. They will find Osama. Just be ready for disappointment. I mean, we all remember Osama in his prime. Young, sexy, exciting Osama, so thin with the thick, rich beard, and full of Jihad. I'm worried we'll get him on that VH1 show and he'll just be all fat, beard all thin and scraggly, talking about "I know the west is decadent and evil, but have you heard about this Domino's 555 Deal? It's three pizzas for five dollars each and, really, you just can't beat that."

Speaking of VH1, it’s almost 2008 now, so it’s probably only going to be like, what, five more months before they start running their “I Love the 2000s” nostalgia specials? How’s that gonna work?
“Hey, remember 9/11?!?”
No, Guy From “Scrubs”, I’d totally fucking forgot about that. Thank you for reminding me. I don’t know how that slipped my mind. Look, I’m even wearing the t-shirt right now, ”FDNY 9/11: We will never forget!” Ooops. How embarrassing.
“Hey, remember when 3,600 American soldiers died in an unwinnable war started under false pretenses by a government bent on systematically stripping the American people of the freedoms formerly guaranteed them by the Constitution and the Bill of Rights?!?!”
You know, now that you mention it, Avril Levine's Bass Player , I do kinda remember something like that happening. That was...wasn't there, like, a jungle involved somehow?
"No that was Vietnam. That was the 1960s. This one was in a desert... We pulled down that statue."
Oh, right. Right. Yeah, now I remember. Thanks, Jerk Off From Nickelback!

1 comment:

Lindsay said...

This is the best thing I've read in a long, long time.

Paul, you are my hero.