I’m in my late 20’s and when I look around right now at the people I know who are my age I feel like we’re all divided evenly into three categories. There’s the first category, which I am in, that is people who are single or involved, but with no intention of getting married. The second category is people who are getting married RIGHT NOW. The wedding is next week, that’s all they talk about, that’s all they do. I call them the “Sorrycants” because if you try to get them to do anything that’s what they say.
“Hey, you wanna go to a movie?”
“Sorry can’t, licking stamps for the Save-the-Dates.”
“Hey, you wanna go get lunch?”
“Sorry can’t gotta stuff invitation envelopes.”
Then there is the last group, and that’s all the people who got married about three ago and are now getting divorced. And it’s those people that are fucking things up for everyone else. People in the first group, like me, see the people in the third group and just think “fuck that noise. I am never going to get married.” Then there are the people in the second group who are all happy and in love and running around telling everyone “We’re getting married! Come to our wedding! Come to our wedding!” but everybody in the first and third groups are just like
“Ummmmm, yeah. Listen. I don’t want to sound like an asshole. . . BUT. . . Before I plop down that deposit on a tux rental and drive 200 miles out to whatever seaside, B&B garden spot you’ve rented for this little shindig, just level with me for a second. How long do you think the two of you are going to last? Seriously. Don’t say forever.”
I think we, as wedding guests, should be entitled to that information because we are never going to get the Saturday back. If I have to get all gussied up, put on itchy pants and uncomfortable shoes, drive out to go knows where, and listen to your slutty sister read some treacly dreck about “what love is” (I nodded off there for a second, so maybe I missed it, but I don’t think I heard anything in there about love being found at 2:30am, behind a nightclub, in the front seat of some dude’s Lexus) and then you guys call it quits after two year, that is a day fucking wasted. We deserve to know if we’re wasting our time or not and this info right on the goddamn invitation.
“Gerald and Harriott Hertenstien cordially invite you to the marriage of their daughter Jeniffer to Mr. Thomas Calhoun. Saturday April, 23 at the Westfield Methodist church. Reception to follow.
“Odds from Vegas on the marriage lasting 5 years are 7-2.”
7-2, huh? Not great. Is there an open bar? Yes? Okay, I’m in. Wait, it’s in town, right? Okay, good. I’m not getting on a plane for less than 3-5.
Something else we need to start doing, if you give somebody a wedding present, and they get divorced before the warranty expires, you should get to keep that. It'd be cool because throughout the year you'd just get these random surprises. Phone calls out of nowhere like:
"Hey, it's your cousin Mark...Yeah, we signed the papers today. She got the house, you got the espresso machine, so congratulations."
Friends would show up at your door saying things like, "Samantha and I had a fight, she left and went to her mother's. I don't know what to do!" And you'd be like "Oh my Gods, that's so horrib--[wait, I gave them a really nice set of kitchen knives] Fuck that bitch. Change the locks before she gets home!"
And it would work out in your favor if you were getting married because people would get you some expensive shit hoping to pick up that divorce schwag on the back end.
"Hey, what are you getting Bob and Tina for their wedding?"
"A Hyundai Veracruz. Yeah, it wasn't on the registry and it's a $30,000 wedding gift, but it's got a ten year warranty so, I like those odds. I figure my car's got about four years left in it so this should time out just about perfectly."